When
Grandma Has Cancer
As you can see from the
date on the last entry in this blog, I have not been posting for the last few
years. The reason for that is I was diagnosed with ovarian cancer in October
2018. I had seven rounds of aggressive chemotherapy with stays in the hospital
in between. In May 2019, I had surgery and was in remission for the summer and
early fall of 2019. Then the bad news, the cancer came back.
Along with the posts
about grandparenting, I want to use this blog to help grandparents and others
to help the children in their lives to understand, live and thrive when “Grandma
has cancer.”
The first question most
people have is should they tell their children about a cancer diagnosis in the
family. The answer, of course, is always up to the parents. Some parents
believe their children are not capable of understanding and telling them would
just upset them. It is always your
choice as a parent to tell the child or not but remember that the child might
find out anyway and feel very betrayed. I live on Long Island and have my home
phone through Cablevision. When my phone rings, the number, and name come up on
the television. When the hospital calls, the name “Cancer Center” comes up on
the television. My granddaughter spends time at my house and could have seen
that on the television screen. Fortunately, she had been told right away, so
she wasn’t shocked.
Children are very perceptive
and will sense there is something wrong. They often see the world through their
own filter, seeing themselves at the center. They may sense you are keeping
something from them and worry needlessly. Children need to be dealt with
honestly.
If you choose to tell
them, make sure to prepare yourself for it, even going so far as writing down
what you want to say. Make sure to use words that are encouraging, not frightening,
but the most important thing is, to be honest.
Try to keep your tone
calm and reassuring. Let them cry but don’t be upset if they show no emotion at
all. Just like adults, children need time to process information and might come
back to you later for more information.
It is important to understand that the first
conversation is not the last. Children often have a lot of questions and it’s
ok to say, “I don’t know.” But what is important is that you find the answer to
the questions, so the child feels respected and that their questions are
important to you.
One of
the questions they often ask which can be difficult is “Is Grandma going to
die?” Don’t lie. The reality is that some people do, and some don’t Again, be
honest. If you say “no,” and then Grandma dies, the child will feel that you
betrayed him or her.
Dr. Karen Rancourt has some suggestions on how to respond to this question on the website MommyBites:
·
“Sometimes people do
die from cancer. We’re not expecting that to happen because the doctors have
told us they have very good treatments these days, and Grandma’s type of cancer
usually does go away with treatment.”
·
“The doctors have told
us that Grandma’s chances of being cured are very good. We’re going to believe
that until we have reason to believe something else. We hope you can believe that
too. We’ll tell you if we find out anything new or different.”
·
“There is no way to
know right now what’s going to happen. We’ll know more after the first
treatments are finished. When we know more, we’ll be sure to tell you.”
·
“Right now, there’s
not a lot known about the kind of cancer Grandma has. But Grandma is going to
give it her best shot and do everything she can to get well.”
·
“Grandma’s cancer is a
hard one to treat but she is going to do everything she can to get better. No
one can know right now what will happen down the road. What you can be sure of
is that we’ll be honest with you about what is going on. If you can’t stop
worrying, please tell me so that we can work on that together.”
Children are often scared
that it might be contagious. Make sure they understand it is not, and the
person who has been diagnosed didn’t do anything to cause this.
If there will any changes
to the child’s routine, perhaps you will be taking Grandma or Grandpa to his or
her radiation or chemo. Make sure the child knows what is going on. If it
affects them, reassure them that they will be taken care of. They need to know
that you are still there looking out for them.
Many treatments have side
effects such as nausea and hair loss. In my first adventure with cancer, I lost
my hair about halfway through and began to wear a hat to cover up my balding
head. My 7-year-old Granddaughter was fascinated with what I was hiding under
the hat. I am not really a “hat person,” but I felt I really rocked those chemo
caps. When she asked me about it, I took it off, so she could see my bald head.
I let her know that I didn’t really take the hat off for just anyone, but she
was special. Later, when it started growing back, so felt comfortable enough to
suggest some hair dye to cover my gray.
The key is for the child
to feel safe and involved. If there is anything they can do, let them. I had a
hard time during my first rounds of chemo, often having
The most important thing
is that Mom, Dad, Grandma, and Grandpa are on the same page. If you are the
parent, it’s important to ask the patient what he or she wants.
References
Goldstein, C. (n.d.). How can I talk to young
children about a grandparent's cancer? Retrieved from Child Mind Insitute:
https://childmind.org/ask-an-expert-qa/how-can-i-talk-to-young-children-about-a-grandparents-cancer/
McCue, K. (n.d.). When a grandparent has cancer.
Retrieved from Coping with Cancer: https://www.copingmag.com/coping-with-cancer/when-a-grandparent-has-cancer
Rancourt, K. (2012, February 16). How to tell my
children their grandmother has cancer? Retrieved from MommyBites:
https://mommybites.com/col2/moms/how-to-tell-my-children-their-grandmother-has-cancer/
