One of the most wonderful relationships we can have is with our grandchildren, but one of the things about that close relationship is that once in a while we step on the parents’ toes. Since it is their child, we, as grandparents, have to find a way to have that close relationships we want and at the same time respect the parents.
Here are some suggestions to help that relationship stay healthy.
1. Don’t criticize: there is certainly more than one way to parent, and that way may not be the same as ours. Raising a child is hard enough without feeling the sting of our telling them they aren’t doing a good job.
2. If you disagree, don’t let the kids know: Even when you disagree with what the parents are doing, make sure you don’t say anything in front of the child. This is their Mom and Dad, don’t undermine their authority or make the child feel uncomfortable. There is nothing wrong with having a conversation with the parents when the children are asleep.
3. Unsolicited advice: DON’T—if they ask, answer their questions; otherwise, keep it to yourself.
4. Define your role and what your limits are: In this age when our children may need us to help with daycare for our grandchildren, we must be sure of what we can and can’t do, and make sure we clearly state this to the parents. When my younger daughter was an infant, she spent one day a week with my husband’s parents. We thought it was a wonderful plan. It helped with some of our child care issues and gave Courtney one-on-one time with her grandparents. When I got pregnant with my second daughter, my mother-in-law was direct with us that she didn’t feel that she and my father-in-law were able to care for two small children, especially with one being an infant and the other a toddler. I was grateful that she was honest. This honesty helped to make what could have been awkward for both her and me and my husband into something positive.
5. Respect the food choices of the parents: There are some areas where there will naturally be some conflict and none more contentious than differences in food choices. With the interest in vegetarian and vegan diets, I expect these choices by our children might be upsetting. But before we criticize (see rule #1) why not do some research? It might waylay your fears that your grandchild will be undernourished.
6. Don’t discipline the children when they parents are there to do it: this might be the biggest issue that parents have. Although when you are alone with your grandchild you certainly can’t allow them to misbehave, but when the parents are there, we need to step back and let them take over. If the child has truly misbehaved then he/she needs some discipline. We should not say “Oh, don’t punish him” or “She’s sorry.” We don’t want to undermine the authority of the parents, so if the punishment is not abusive, we need to bite our tongues. But the opposite might be true; we might think the punishment is too lenient. If you came from a generation where physical punishment was the norm, you have to understand that most parents frown on that and we must respect that. Having come from a “spare the rod, spoil the child” generation, I know that hitting a child is really no way to teach a child proper behavior. And, after all, isn’t that what discipline is for?
One of my favorite quotes is “It takes a village to raise a child,” and I believe that we can partner with the parents to raise extraordinary children. But we can’t do that if we alienate the parents.
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