In 1969, Dr. Haim Ginott penned the term “helicopter parents” in his book Parents and Teenagers, but in 2015 that term can be applied to any parent figure: parents, grandparents and aunts and uncles who are overly involved in a child’s life, someone who is over controlling and over perfecting. The desire for having the world see our child or grandchild as perfect in the eyes of the world tends to leave us with children who can’t take care of themselves and who never can appreciate their own accomplishments because they are not really their own.
When we hover over these children, we lead them to have decreased confidence and self-esteem. I often take my granddaughter to programs at the local library. The programs usually consist of reading books on a specific topic and then making a craft. My daughter related a story of a recent library event where the children were asked to line up three paper carrots with numbers on them and then put the appropriate number of carrots stems on each. So the carrot with the three on it got three stems…I’m sure you get the idea. My granddaughter is only four and tends to want to do things her own way, so her carrots were not very well lined up and the stems were a little askew, but she got the main idea, which was the point of the craft. When my daughter looked up, the other children’s carrots were perfectly lined up and there were even some parents redoing their child’s craft while the child played nearby. The children whose crafts were really done by the parent didn’t seem very enthusiastic about them, but my granddaughter ran up to everyone to show her carrots…she was very proud. I myself have seen this happen time and again with both parents and grandparents, and have always felt for the children. They never learn a sense of pride in their own work. We really do want to foster independent children, not ones who sit back and let us do everything for them or direct them to do everything “our way.” The results of that can be long reaching.
As a college professor for 35 years, I have taught the young people who are a result of this “over parenting.” Without parents there to give the teacher excuses or to do the work for them, they flounder and often have no idea of what they are capable of. They often continually ask when assignments are due because they have never had to keep track of them on their own. They also expect that their minimal effort will garner them and “A.” These students struggle not only with the material they are learning in each class, but also struggle with how to be a student: manage their time, organize themselves, set goals, and make priorities. These are skills they weren’t given the chance to learn.
In addition to having to deal with these students, I still have to deal with “helicopter” parents, even in college. Legally, if their child is 18 or over, I cannot discuss any aspect of their child’s work or grades. I can’t tell them about attendance or behavior. This comes as a great shock to these parents. They are just beginning to realize that without their constant attention and hovering, they child will crash and burn. And I suggest that is not the worst thing that can happen. Often students begin to realize that not only do they have to step up and take care of themselves, but they are capable of doing so. Those students succeed and for the first time in their lives feel a real sense of accomplishment. Those who are still so addicted to their parents taking care of everything are the ones who just disappear in the middle of the semester.
The time to assure that the child will have the ability and desire to succeed on their own starts when they are little. Our job as caregiver, whether it is as a parent or grandparent, is to not raise children, but to raise adults.
According to Deborah Gilboa, M.D., founder of AskDoctorG.com, “Remembering to look for opportunities to take one step back from solving our child's problems will help us build the reliant, self-confident kids we need."
(Check out the article on http://www.parents.com/parenting/better-parenting/what-is-helicopter-parenting/)
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